Next to your decision to receive
Jesus Christ as your Saviour, and next to your resolution to crown Him
the Lord of your life, comes the vital question of whom you shall marry.
A wrong choice here can tragically wreck your entire life. On the other
hand, the right choice here can promise that your future years will be a
bit of heaven on earth.
There is perhaps nothing more
normal and more natural than for young people of the opposite sex to be
attracted to each other. Boys and girls have a God-given built-in
attraction for each other. Girls, for example, should never be ashamed
of their desire for a husband and a home and children. Marriage is a
natural and God-blessed experience, and therefore we want to think
through a program of courtship that will help bring about a happy
marriage.
1. THE CHARACTER OF COURTSHIP
When we talk about “courtship,” we refer to that period during which a young man or a young woman finds a
companion for life. Courtship affords two young people an opportunity
to study at close range the attitudes and conduct and true worth of
their friends. It would certainly be foolish for people to marry,
without ever having paid any attention to each other, or without being
mutually attracted and happy together. Marriage is God-ordained; it is
sacred; it is a lifetime proposition, and the Bible encourages young
people to consider marriage. We read in Proverbs 18:22, “Whoso findeth a
wife, findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord.”
Surely God knows a few things
about courtship, for it was God who established the institution of
marriage, and it was God who joined the first man and the first woman in
holy wedlock. And so we look into His Book for guidance and instruction
concerning courtship practices.
2. THE COMMENCEMENT OF COURTSHIP
When we speak of “commencement,”
we speak of a beginning. The high school commencement at the end of the
school year is not called “commencement” because it marks the end of a
grammar school training, but because it marks the beginning of new
responsibilities in life. And so when we speak of the commencement of
courtship, we want to speak of a few matters that need to be considered
at the beginning of courtship.
First, be a consecrated child of
God — not just a church member, but a consecrated Christian. And by
“Christian” we mean not merely one who attends church services, or one
who treats his neighbors right, but one who has opened the door of his
heart to the crucified Christ. A Christian is one who has come to know
the miracle of regeneration and has become a new creation in Jesus
Christ. Such a person has new aims and new ambitions in life. He knows
that his body belongs to Jesus Christ.
Second, pray that God will lead
you to the right person for your companion through life. The Bible
teaches God’s people to pray about life’s affairs. We are commanded to
pray for our daily bread and for our physical needs. Surely this second
greatest step in life (selecting a life companion) should always be
accompanied by much praying and waiting before God. Amazing as it may
seem God is not so busy managing the affairs of this vast universe that
He has no time to be concerned about whom you shall marry; He wants for
you the very best in life; He will guide your choice and insure your
happiness if you will only ask Him.
3. THE CHOICE OF COURTSHIP
The Bible is crystal clear in
teaching that believers are never to even consider marriage with
unbelievers under any circumstances whatever. From the very beginning,
the God-fearing family of Seth was forbidden to intermix by marriage
with the irreligious family of Cain. When God established the law in
Israel, care was taken to forbid intermarriage with the heathen nations
about them (Deuteronomy 7:5). The New Testament very clearly commands
the same thing (2 Corinthians 6:14). Those who seek your hand in
marriage may be generous, rich, well-trained, handsome, and industrious –
but unless they are children of God by faith in Jesus Christ, you must
not make them husbands and wives. Failure to observe this basic law of
the Scriptures has caused shipwreck in thousands upon thousands of
homes.
When a Christian marries a
non-Christian, he transgresses the law of God, and remember that “the
way of the transgressor is hard.” How will you be able to raise an altar
to God in your house if you marry an unbeliever? Will your unbelieving
partner urge you to do it? How will your children be brought up in the
nurture and admonition of the Lord? You’ll teach them one thing, and
their daddy will teach them the opposite. What are you going to do when
you feel this opposition day after day? When you go to church services,
he’ll go to a bail-game. When you read the Bible and engage in prayer,
he reads the latest novel and turns on the TV. When you praise the Lord,
he indulges in blasphemy. You tell your children one thing; he
encourages them to do the opposite. The Bible says, “How can two walk
together except they be agreed?”
And then too, it is never sound
judgment to choose a mate merely because of a pretty face, or because of
curly hair, or because of captivating brown eyes. The facial features
of some girls might contradict all the laws of a beauty contest, and yet
many of those same girls have the graces of soul and spirit that will
keep them attractive throughout their entire span of life. When a man’s
love for his wife is based merely on her youth and charm and beauty,
that love doesn’t last long because those qualities often soon fade
away.
There are a lot of things in life
far worse than being an old maid (or a bachelor), and one of the things
which is worse than being an old maid, is to marry the wrong man. Never
enter into the marriage relationship lightly. Always look for
characteristics such as cheerfulness, patience, industry, and kindness –
qualities that abide the test of time.
4. THE CONFUSIONS OF COURTSHIP
There are many dangers and
pitfalls for young people during the years of courtship. The devil
stands ready to lead you into sin and to spoil the happiness of your
life. God has made the bodies of men and women so that they attract each
other. Woven into the physical bodies of both boys and girls are
certain natural sex functions. These are necessary for the reproduction
of the human race, but sex experience is right only within the bounds of
true and honorable marriage. The Bible says, “Marriage is honorable in
all, and the bed undefiled; but whoremongers and adulterers God will
judge” (Hebrews 13:4). Sex indulgence outside the bounds of honorable
and true marriage is naked, shameful, wicked sin.
The sin of fornication (illicit
sex relations among the unmarried) never occurs between two ordinary
decent young people who want to do right, except through the stages of
kissing, necking, and petting. Kissing is the first act that paves the
way and excites the passions to encourage the next step in the downward
plunge that leads eventually to the sin of fornication. Necking (the act
of embracing and caressing) is the second step in the path that leads
to sex relationships. Petting (handling parts of the body) is the final
step that leads to the shameful sin of fornication.
Step by step (if you start) you
will push back the barriers of what you permit, until it is almost
impossible to avoid the final step of fornication. When people trifle
with the human body, aroused passions become stronger than the will, and
the bodily passions often take control. Remember that this is as true
about girls as it is about boys. It is just as true about good boys as
it is about bad boys. The best Christian in all the world (if he is not
good enough to keep from necking and petting), may not be good enough to
keep from fornication and adultery. And so for the sake of your
Creator, for the sake of your health, for the sake of your future, and
for the sake of your soul – make a pledge early in life never to
practice habits that will lead to illicit sex relations.
5. THE COMRADESHIP OF COURTSHIP
There are wholesome things to do
and worthwhile places to go during your courtship days. It is important
to always have something definitely planned for each date. It is when
young people have nothing to do that they begin habits that arouse evil
desires. It is at such times when they begin kissing and necking and
cuddling around in dark rooms and squirming in parked cars, and go far
beyond their first intentions and plans. One of the best safeguards to
pure noble courtship is a well-planned date.
a) Attend the services of the
church together. There are the Sunday services, Bible studies,
hymnsings, the prayer meeting, and other special services of the church.
b) Read and pray together. Why not
agree to read a certain portion of the Bible at the same time each
evening during the week? There’s a special thrill that goes along with
knowing that your Prince Charming is doing exactly the same thing you
are doing at exactly the same time, even though you may be separated by
many miles of space.
c) Visit old folks and homes for
the aging. It is really encouraging for older people to hear younger
persons sing hymns and visit them. The time passes more quickly for the
older person and the experience will be a real blessing for both of you
also.
d) Maintain hobbies together.
Every young person ought to have a hobby. For girls, there is sewing,
textile painting, and gathering collections of various kinds. For boys,
there is photography, woodworking, coin collecting, etc. Share each
other’s interests in these respective hobbies.
e) Enjoy good music together. Not
jazz and rock n’ roll and popular music, but everybody likes to sing
hymns around a piano. Perhaps it is old-fashioned, but there is
something especially wholesome about singing hymns together.
These have been a few things you
can do to make your courtship purposeful and constructive. Note that we
did not include activities such as dancing, attending the commercial
movies, and frequenting the public bathing beaches. These enterprises
are geared to appeal to those who walk after the flesh and not after the
Spirit of God.
When two people stand before God
and promise to cherish each other until death separates them, it is not
hard to believe that the angels in heaven hush their songs and grow
silent in wonder as they listen to the holy vows, when two hearts and
lives are joined in wedlock. Whatever your situation in life, if you
have never done it, we urge you to open the door of your heart and let
Jesus come in. Surrender completely to His will for your life.
Next to your decision to receive
Jesus Christ as your Saviour, and next to your resolution to crown Him
the Lord of your life, comes the vital question of whom you shall marry.
A wrong choice here can tragically wreck your entire life. On the other
hand, the right choice here can promise that your future years will be a
bit of heaven on earth.
There is perhaps nothing more
normal and more natural than for young people of the opposite sex to be
attracted to each other. Boys and girls have a God-given built-in
attraction for each other. Girls, for example, should never be ashamed
of their desire for a husband and a home and children. Marriage is a
natural and God-blessed experience, and therefore we want to think
through a program of courtship that will help bring about a happy
marriage.
1. THE CHARACTER OF COURTSHIP
When we talk about “courtship,” we refer to that period during which a young man or a young woman finds a
companion for life. Courtship affords two young people an opportunity
to study at close range the attitudes and conduct and true worth of
their friends. It would certainly be foolish for people to marry,
without ever having paid any attention to each other, or without being
mutually attracted and happy together. Marriage is God-ordained; it is
sacred; it is a lifetime proposition, and the Bible encourages young
people to consider marriage. We read in Proverbs 18:22, “Whoso findeth a
wife, findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord.”
Surely God knows a few things
about courtship, for it was God who established the institution of
marriage, and it was God who joined the first man and the first woman in
holy wedlock. And so we look into His Book for guidance and instruction
concerning courtship practices.
2. THE COMMENCEMENT OF COURTSHIP
When we speak of “commencement,”
we speak of a beginning. The high school commencement at the end of the
school year is not called “commencement” because it marks the end of a
grammar school training, but because it marks the beginning of new
responsibilities in life. And so when we speak of the commencement of
courtship, we want to speak of a few matters that need to be considered
at the beginning of courtship.
First, be a consecrated child of
God — not just a church member, but a consecrated Christian. And by
“Christian” we mean not merely one who attends church services, or one
who treats his neighbors right, but one who has opened the door of his
heart to the crucified Christ. A Christian is one who has come to know
the miracle of regeneration and has become a new creation in Jesus
Christ. Such a person has new aims and new ambitions in life. He knows
that his body belongs to Jesus Christ.
Second, pray that God will lead
you to the right person for your companion through life. The Bible
teaches God’s people to pray about life’s affairs. We are commanded to
pray for our daily bread and for our physical needs. Surely this second
greatest step in life (selecting a life companion) should always be
accompanied by much praying and waiting before God. Amazing as it may
seem God is not so busy managing the affairs of this vast universe that
He has no time to be concerned about whom you shall marry; He wants for
you the very best in life; He will guide your choice and insure your
happiness if you will only ask Him.
3. THE CHOICE OF COURTSHIP
The Bible is crystal clear in
teaching that believers are never to even consider marriage with
unbelievers under any circumstances whatever. From the very beginning,
the God-fearing family of Seth was forbidden to intermix by marriage
with the irreligious family of Cain. When God established the law in
Israel, care was taken to forbid intermarriage with the heathen nations
about them (Deuteronomy 7:5). The New Testament very clearly commands
the same thing (2 Corinthians 6:14). Those who seek your hand in
marriage may be generous, rich, well-trained, handsome, and industrious –
but unless they are children of God by faith in Jesus Christ, you must
not make them husbands and wives. Failure to observe this basic law of
the Scriptures has caused shipwreck in thousands upon thousands of
homes.
When a Christian marries a
non-Christian, he transgresses the law of God, and remember that “the
way of the transgressor is hard.” How will you be able to raise an altar
to God in your house if you marry an unbeliever? Will your unbelieving
partner urge you to do it? How will your children be brought up in the
nurture and admonition of the Lord? You’ll teach them one thing, and
their daddy will teach them the opposite. What are you going to do when
you feel this opposition day after day? When you go to church services,
he’ll go to a bail-game. When you read the Bible and engage in prayer,
he reads the latest novel and turns on the TV. When you praise the Lord,
he indulges in blasphemy. You tell your children one thing; he
encourages them to do the opposite. The Bible says, “How can two walk
together except they be agreed?”
And then too, it is never sound
judgment to choose a mate merely because of a pretty face, or because of
curly hair, or because of captivating brown eyes. The facial features
of some girls might contradict all the laws of a beauty contest, and yet
many of those same girls have the graces of soul and spirit that will
keep them attractive throughout their entire span of life. When a man’s
love for his wife is based merely on her youth and charm and beauty,
that love doesn’t last long because those qualities often soon fade
away.
There are a lot of things in life
far worse than being an old maid (or a bachelor), and one of the things
which is worse than being an old maid, is to marry the wrong man. Never
enter into the marriage relationship lightly. Always look for
characteristics such as cheerfulness, patience, industry, and kindness –
qualities that abide the test of time.
4. THE CONFUSIONS OF COURTSHIP
There are many dangers and
pitfalls for young people during the years of courtship. The devil
stands ready to lead you into sin and to spoil the happiness of your
life. God has made the bodies of men and women so that they attract each
other. Woven into the physical bodies of both boys and girls are
certain natural sex functions. These are necessary for the reproduction
of the human race, but sex experience is right only within the bounds of
true and honorable marriage. The Bible says, “Marriage is honorable in
all, and the bed undefiled; but whoremongers and adulterers God will
judge” (Hebrews 13:4). Sex indulgence outside the bounds of honorable
and true marriage is naked, shameful, wicked sin.
The sin of fornication (illicit
sex relations among the unmarried) never occurs between two ordinary
decent young people who want to do right, except through the stages of
kissing, necking, and petting. Kissing is the first act that paves the
way and excites the passions to encourage the next step in the downward
plunge that leads eventually to the sin of fornication. Necking (the act
of embracing and caressing) is the second step in the path that leads
to sex relationships. Petting (handling parts of the body) is the final
step that leads to the shameful sin of fornication.
Step by step (if you start) you
will push back the barriers of what you permit, until it is almost
impossible to avoid the final step of fornication. When people trifle
with the human body, aroused passions become stronger than the will, and
the bodily passions often take control. Remember that this is as true
about girls as it is about boys. It is just as true about good boys as
it is about bad boys. The best Christian in all the world (if he is not
good enough to keep from necking and petting), may not be good enough to
keep from fornication and adultery. And so for the sake of your
Creator, for the sake of your health, for the sake of your future, and
for the sake of your soul – make a pledge early in life never to
practice habits that will lead to illicit sex relations.
5. THE COMRADESHIP OF COURTSHIP
There are wholesome things to do
and worthwhile places to go during your courtship days. It is important
to always have something definitely planned for each date. It is when
young people have nothing to do that they begin habits that arouse evil
desires. It is at such times when they begin kissing and necking and
cuddling around in dark rooms and squirming in parked cars, and go far
beyond their first intentions and plans. One of the best safeguards to
pure noble courtship is a well-planned date.
a) Attend the services of the
church together. There are the Sunday services, Bible studies,
hymnsings, the prayer meeting, and other special services of the church.
b) Read and pray together. Why not
agree to read a certain portion of the Bible at the same time each
evening during the week? There’s a special thrill that goes along with
knowing that your Prince Charming is doing exactly the same thing you
are doing at exactly the same time, even though you may be separated by
many miles of space.
c) Visit old folks and homes for
the aging. It is really encouraging for older people to hear younger
persons sing hymns and visit them. The time passes more quickly for the
older person and the experience will be a real blessing for both of you
also.
d) Maintain hobbies together.
Every young person ought to have a hobby. For girls, there is sewing,
textile painting, and gathering collections of various kinds. For boys,
there is photography, woodworking, coin collecting, etc. Share each
other’s interests in these respective hobbies.
e) Enjoy good music together. Not
jazz and rock n’ roll and popular music, but everybody likes to sing
hymns around a piano. Perhaps it is old-fashioned, but there is
something especially wholesome about singing hymns together.
These have been a few things you
can do to make your courtship purposeful and constructive. Note that we
did not include activities such as dancing, attending the commercial
movies, and frequenting the public bathing beaches. These enterprises
are geared to appeal to those who walk after the flesh and not after the
Spirit of God.
When two people stand before God
and promise to cherish each other until death separates them, it is not
hard to believe that the angels in heaven hush their songs and grow
silent in wonder as they listen to the holy vows, when two hearts and
lives are joined in wedlock. Whatever your situation in life, if you
have never done it, we urge you to open the door of your heart and let
Jesus come in. Surrender completely to His will for your life.
SEVEN CHARACTER QUALITIES THAT
SHOULD SURFACE DURING DATING
1) Your marriage partner should have a strong faith in God, and should accept the teachings of the Bible as his rules for life.
2) Your partner should possess
self-confidence – not an air of superiority (thinking he knows it all –
but a positive feeling that he is going to meet and work through life’s
problems.
3) He should manifest self-discipline, exercising reasonable control over his words, his temper, and his bodily appetites.
4) He should be willing to admit his own mistakes and take responsibility for them – and vow to profit from them.
5) He should have mature ideas
about how to handle money. He should not be a miser and worship his
possessions, neither should he be a prodigal spender. He should have
ambition and purpose, showing a sense of responsibility toward work and
toward getting things done on time.
7) He should reflect a sense of respect for his home and parents and brothers and sisters.
The young person who looks for
these qualities in a marriage companion, should work diligently to
develop these qualities in his or her own life. It there are areas of
great weakness, seek to strengthen them by helping and encouraging each
other. Remember that marriage will not solve your courtship problems; it
will only magnify them.